Your Relationship With Time
I found myself standing in my kitchen at 2 AM, the hum of the refrigerator filling the silence. My phone was in my hand, the cursor blinking on an empty text box. I miss you. Three simple words. I typed them out, then deleted them. Typed again. Stared at the screen.
Did I actually miss them? Or was I just missing something else? a version of me that only existed when they were around?
The thought unsettled me. Because if I was being honest, I wasn’t sure I even liked who they were anymore. But I liked who I was with them. The way they made me laugh at things I wouldn’t find funny now. The confidence I had in their presence, the way the world felt lighter. It wasn’t just them I had lost, it was that me.
And then I wondered… When we say, I miss you, do we really miss the person, or do we just miss the version of ourselves they reflected back at us?
The Illusion of Missing Someone
Missing someone is rarely about just them. It’s about the version of ourselves we experienced when they were around. Think about it, have you ever missed an ex you knew was completely wrong for you? Or longed for a friend who once hurt you deeply? If it were just about them, logic would dictate that we should only miss the people who brought us happiness. But nostalgia has a way of twisting our memories, highlighting the warmth while conveniently fading out the cold.
We miss the way we laughed with them, the way we felt understood, the sense of belonging they gave us. But if that same person were to return today, would we truly feel the same way? Or do we miss a time that no longer exists?
The Mind’s Deception
Memories are not perfect archives, they are reconstructions. Our brain doesn’t store moments in HD clarity, it picks highlights, feelings, and narratives that align with our current emotions. This is why, when we say “I miss you,” we often don’t mean the present-day version of them. We mean the past. We mean the us that existed in that moment.
Psychologists call this Rosy Retrospection — the tendency to remember past experiences as more positive than they actually were. This is why breakups hurt even when the relationship was toxic, and why friendships that ended poorly can still make us nostalgic. It’s not about them, it’s about us, suspended in a time that felt safe, exciting, or significant.
Missing a Feeling, Not a Person
Sometimes, “I miss you” is a placeholder for something deeper — I miss feeling important to someone. I miss feeling desired. I miss feeling safe.
A person can be the vessel through which we experience joy, validation, or even purpose. But what happens when they leave? The feelings they gave us don’t necessarily vanish, they leave residue. And those residues can be mistaken for missing them, when in reality, we are missing what we once felt.
I remember missing an old friend, convinced I wanted them back in my life. When we finally reconnected, it was underwhelming. The chemistry was gone, the conversations felt forced. And then I realized, I didn’t actually miss them. I missed having someone who knew my inside jokes, who understood my quirks without explanation. I missed the companionship, not the person. And that was a brutal but liberating realization.
Why We Long for the Past?
Nostalgia makes us sentimental about experiences that, in reality, weren’t always pleasant. The brain romanticizes what once was, because longing for the past is easier than confronting the uncertainty of the present.
When we say “I miss you,” we should certainly ask ourselves 3 things
Do I miss the actual person, or do I miss the comfort they represented?
If they returned, would I truly feel the same way?
Am I yearning for them, or for an escape from my present reality?
Often, the answers are surprising. Missing someone doesn’t necessarily mean they should return to your life. It means they played a role in shaping a version of you that, for better or worse, you once loved.
Acknowledging that missing someone isn’t always about them is both painful and freeing. It allows us to shift our focus from longing to learning. Instead of fixating on a person who might no longer fit into our present, we learn “What did that connection teach me about myself?” “What part of me did they bring out that I now crave again?”
The hardest truth to accept is that some people are meant to be time capsules. They exist in our past because that’s where they belong. And sometimes, the greatest act of self-love is to recognize that we don’t actually miss them. We miss a chapter of our life they happened to be in.
The Next Time You Say “I Miss You”
The next time you feel tempted to send that text or whisper those words into the void, pause.
Because the truth is, some people come into our lives to introduce us to parts of ourselves we didn’t know existed. And when they leave, they take nothing with them. The version of you they helped uncover? That person is still here, waiting for you to find them again.
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By Ajita Sharma
