Why You’re Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People?

Why Are We Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People?

Have you ever found yourself drawn to someone who just can’t seem to give you the emotional connection you crave? You’re not alone. Many of us have experienced the frustration and heartache of falling for someone who is emotionally unavailable . But why does this happen?

Understanding Emotionally Unavailable People

First, let’s define what we mean by emotionally unavailable people. These are individuals who, for various reasons, are unable or unwilling to open up emotionally and form deep, meaningful connections. They might be distant, non-committal, or inconsistent in their expressions of affection and commitment. But why do we, despite knowing this, still find ourselves drawn to them?

The Attraction: What’s the Appeal?

1. The Challenge of the Unattainable

One common reason is the allure of the chase. Emotionally unavailable people often present a challenge. The idea of breaking through their walls and being the one to “fix” them can be incredibly enticing. We might think, “If I can make them love me, it proves I’m worthy of love.” This dynamic can be rooted in our own self-esteem issues, where we seek validation through the approval of someone difficult to attain.

2. Familiar Patterns

If we’ve grown up in an environment where emotional support was lacking or inconsistent, we might subconsciously seek out similar relationships. It’s what feels familiar and, paradoxically, comfortable. This is often a manifestation of attachment styles, specifically anxious or avoidant attachment, where we replay familiar patterns from our childhood.

3. The Illusion of Change

We might also be drawn to emotionally unavailable people because we see potential. We believe that with enough love and patience, they will change. This hope can keep us engaged long after it’s clear that change is unlikely. It’s the belief that “they just haven’t met the right person yet,” and we want to be that person who transforms them.

Psychology Behind This Attraction

According to attachment theory, our early relationships with caregivers shape our expectations and behaviors in adult relationships. If we had caregivers who were inconsistent, we might develop an anxious attachment style, leading us to pursue partners who mirror this unpredictability. Conversely, if our caregivers were emotionally unavailable, we might become avoidant, feeling comfortable with distant partners who don’t demand too much from us.

Our self-esteem too plays a significant role in whom we attract and who attracts us. Low self-esteem can lead us to believe we don’t deserve a fully available partner. We might settle for someone who is emotionally unavailable because deep down, we fear we’re not worthy of more. This is often compounded by a fear of intimacy, where we avoid emotionally available partners to protect ourselves from potential rejection and vulnerability.

Dopamine plays an important role in our attraction for emotionally unavailable

Neurochemically, the thrill of pursuing an emotionally unavailable person can trigger dopamine release in our brains. This reward chemical reinforces the behavior, making the chase feel exciting and rewarding. It’s similar to an addiction, where the intermittent reinforcement — occasional moments of affection — keeps us hooked.

The Philosophy of Self-Love

There’s often a lack of self-love behind this toxic attraction. We might seek out emotionally unavailable partners because we don’t love ourselves enough to demand more. The philosopher Erich Fromm suggested that self-love is not selfishness but a prerequisite for loving others. By learning to value and respect ourselves, we set higher standards for our relationships.

Existential philosophers like Sartre and Kierkegaard have discussed the inherent loneliness of the human condition. We might pursue emotionally unavailable people as a way to avoid confronting our own existential loneliness. By focusing on someone else’s emotional inaccessibility, we distract ourselves from our own internal void.

The Myth of Completion

Many of us buy into the myth that a romantic partner will complete us, as popularized by movies and literature. This belief can lead us to pursue partners who are emotionally unavailable because we think their love will fill a void within us. However, true fulfillment comes from within, and recognizing this can shift our approach to relationships.

Asking the Right Questions

As we reflect on our attraction to emotionally unavailable people, it’s crucial to ask ourselves some hard-hitting questions:

- What do I truly want from a relationship? Identifying our needs and desires can help us recognize when someone is not meeting them.

- Am I repeating a familiar pattern from my past? Understanding our attachment style and its origins can provide insights into our relationship choices.

- Do I believe I deserve a fully available partner? Working on our self-esteem and self-worth can change our relationship dynamics.

- Am I afraid of true intimacy? Exploring our fears around vulnerability can help us become more open to emotionally available partners.

Understanding It’s Not Love

It’s important to distinguish between attraction and love. Attraction to emotionally unavailable people often is an initial draw, a combination of physical, emotional, and psychological factors that make us interested in them. It can be powerful and intoxicating, but it doesn’t necessarily equate to love.

Love, on the other hand, involves a deep emotional connection, mutual respect, and a willingness to invest in the relationship. When we’re attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable, it’s often because of the challenge, the excitement, or the fulfillment of familiar patterns from our past. This attraction is based on a combination of intrigue and our own unresolved issues rather than a true emotional bond.

Understanding this distinction can help us realize that what we’re experiencing is more about our internal dynamics than about the other person. It can prompt us to reflect on what we’re truly seeking in a relationship and encourage us to look for partners who are capable of providing the emotional availability and connection that define real love. Recognizing that this is just attraction, and not love, can be an important step in breaking the cycle and moving towards healthier relationship choices.

Moving Forward: Breaking the Cycle

1. The first step in breaking this cycle is self-awareness. Recognizing our patterns and understanding the psychological and philosophical reasons behind them is crucial. This self-reflection can be facilitated through journaling, therapy, or deep conversations with trusted friends.

2. Learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries is vital. We need to communicate our needs clearly and be willing to walk away when they are not met. This requires a strong sense of self-worth and the belief that we deserve better.

3. Practicing self-love and self-compassion is essential. This can include activities that nurture our well-being, such as mindfulness, exercise, and pursuing hobbies that bring us joy. When we love and respect ourselves, we are less likely to settle for less than we deserve.

4. Sometimes, the patterns are too deeply ingrained to change on our own. Seeking help from a therapist can provide the tools and support needed to break free from these unhealthy dynamics. Therapy can offer a safe space to explore our past, understand our attachment styles, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

Understanding why we are attracted to emotionally unavailable people is more about self-discovery and growth. By understanding the reasons behind our attraction, we can begin to make more conscious choices in our relationships. It’s about recognizing our worth. In doing so, we open ourselves up to the possibility of healthier connections.

Because the journey towards healthier relationships starts with us. So focus on this journey with open hearts and minds, knowing that we deserve the love and connection we seek.

By Ajita Sharma