Is Monogamy Dead?
There’s a fact about swans. They say swans mate for life, choosing a single partner to spend their days with, inseparable until death. It’s a romantic image, and it has been used as a metaphor for love itself.
But there’s something they don’t tell you — while some swans do remain monogamous, many secretly engage in what biologists call “extra-pair copulations.” In simpler terms, even these symbols of lifelong devotion sometimes seek intimacy outside their primary bond.
So if even nature’s most iconic monogamists explore beyond their one-and-only, what does that say about us? The humans who are infamous already?
Is monogamy a choice, something we uphold out of love, discipline, or cultural conditioning?
The truth is, more people than ever are questioning whether monogamy is still the only, or best way to build relationships. The rise of polyamory and open relationships isn’t just a fleeting trend, it’s a fundamental shift in how we think about love and commitment.
For centuries, monogamy has been seen as the default. Marriage, romantic exclusivity, and lifelong partnership have been ingrained in our cultural narratives. But for many, monogamy feels less like a natural choice and more like an inherited script, one they’re not sure they ever agreed to.
A growing number of people are exploring ethical non-monogamy (ENM), an umbrella term that includes open relationships, swinging, and polyamory… Why? Because they’re realizing that monogamy often comes with expectations that don’t align with their real needs and desires.
I remember a conversation with a close friend. She had been married for five years when she confessed, “I love him, but I don’t think he’s all that I want…”
Well…
At first, I assumed it meant there were problems in their marriage. But she clarified, “No, it’s not about him. It’s about me. I love him a lot but I still feel drawn to others. And if I suppress that, am I really being honest with myself?”
Her words struck me. We’re conditioned to see romantic love as an all-or-nothing game. But what if it’s not? What if someone can genuinely love their partner while also having the capacity for deep, meaningful connections with others?
This is the foundation of polyamory, an approach that challenges the idea that one person should fulfill all our emotional, romantic, and sexual needs for a lifetime.
Is Monogamy Even Natural?
If we step outside of social expectations and look at human history, monogamy isn’t as universal as we think. Many ancient civilizations, from the Greeks to certain African and Asian societies, practiced various forms of non-monogamy. In some cultures, exclusivity wasn’t just unnecessary, it was seen as unnatural.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher suggests that humans evolved for both attachment and novelty. We crave stability, but we’re also wired for exploration. This creates what she calls the “Human Mating Dilemma”, the internal conflict between wanting long-term security and feeling drawn to new experiences.
That conflict is precisely why so many relationships struggle. We expect our partners to be our best friends, lovers, emotional confidants, co-parents, business partners, and adventure buddies — all in one. That’s a lot of pressure on a single relationship.
This doesn’t mean monogamy is doomed, but it does mean that successful relationships, monogamous or not, require a lot of conscious effort and a willingness to redefine what love actually means.
The Pros and Cons
Polyamory and open relationships aren’t easy because they require an immense amount of emotional intelligence and communication skills. And they’re not for everyone.
But there’s Upside of Non-Monogamy
1. Instead of pretending that attraction to others doesn’t exist, non-monogamous relationships allow partners to be honest about their desires.
2. No one person is expected to fulfill all needs, which obviously reduce relationship burnout.
3. Having multiple relationships forces deep self-reflection, helping people understand their own attachment styles, triggers, and insecurities.
4. For those who thrive on variety, open relationships let’s them explore new experiences without dishonesty or secrecy.
But It doesn’t come without The Challenges either
1. Even the most secure individuals can struggle with seeing their partner connect with someone else. There can definitely be jealousy and insecurity.
2. More relationships mean more communication, planning, and emotional labor.
3. Society still largely favors monogamy, which can make non-monogamous individuals feel misunderstood or ostracized.
4. More relationships mean more opportunities for emotional pain, breakups, and misunderstandings.
So yes there’s no one-size-fits-all answer here. While some thrive in non-monogamous relationships, others find deep fulfillment in exclusivity. What matters here is whether the relationship aligns with each person’s values and needs.
Whether monogamous or not, every relationship demands effort. But non-monogamous relationships require an advanced level of communication and self-awareness.
There’s no room for passive aggression or hidden resentment if you’re in a non monogamous relationship.
One thing you need to be clear about is that jealousy isn’t eliminated in non-monogamy — it is managed.
You need to learn to juggle multiple relationships and that requires logistical skills — coordinating schedules, setting boundaries, and maintaining balance.
Every relationship structure is different. Whether it’s a primary partnership with outside lovers or fully open dynamics, having explicit agreements prevents misunderstandings.
Monogamy, polyamory, or open relationships, all of them succeed or fail based on one thing: the ability to handle love with honesty and emotional maturity.
Final Thoughts
So, is monogamy outdated? No. But it’s also not the only valid way to love.
The real conversation shouldn’t be about whether monogamy is “better” or “worse” than polyamory, but whether we are truly choosing our relationships, rather than just inheriting them from tradition.
Read Further
The Psychology of Monogamy and Non-Monogamy
Understanding Ethical Non-Monogamy
Helen Fisher’s Research on Love
